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Why England won’t win the world cup

The short answer is: we’re not good enough.

And before you cry ‘treason/negativity/pessimism’, don’t confuse my opinions with my hopes. Of course, I’d love England to win the world cup. But rather than being labeled a pessimist, I’d rather be called a realist.

Shortly before the Champions League final ‘The Chosen One’ stated that the Champions League final was a better standard than the world cup final. His substantiation for this was that on a club level, if you’ve got a hole in your squad you can buy someone to fill it. Whereas, at international level, you’re stuck with what your country produces.

This begged the question: So, José, do you think Inter Milan would beat England? Judging by England’s performance against Japan (ranked 45th in the world by FIFA), Inter Flora would beat England.

So what reasons do I proffer to bolster my case for an imminent return to Blighty?


Our best goalkeeper, Joe Hart, can’t get in the team. Our first choice plays for a club that got relegated. Our other first choice(?), Rob Green plays for a team that almost got relegated. Hart’s team, Birmingham finished highest in the league and he is loaned out to Brum from Manchester City. If he was playing for City would he be first choice? Difficult I know to get in the City team when the current first choice is Shay Given, who would probably get in a World XI.

Reason # 2 DEFENCE

We can’t defend set pieces. Ferdinand has hardly played this/last season and is prone to injury.

Reason # 3 WINGERS

Our wingers can’t cross the ball. Lennon, Walcott, Wright-Philips, don’t seem to be able to do one of the most fundamental skills that a winger should be able to do. Even I can cross a ball and I’m crap at football. Seriously lads, if you’d like me to show you how to do it before you head off for SA, I’d be more than happy. If you’re wanting to do an in-swinger from the right, you simply use the inside of your right foot, just around where the big toe joins your foot, at the bottom right hand side of the ball. It’s easy.

If it was just about being able to run fast in a straight line we’d be better off with Usain Bolt. Whilst not as quick as the aforementioned wingers, I’d prefer to see Joe Cole and James Milner out wide as they not only can cross the ball, but they have better skill on the ball.

Reason # 4 STRIKERS

We’ve only got one. And if he gets injured we’re royally F****D.(And I’m not talking about Heskey who probably wouldn’t get a game for Inter Flora.)

Reason # 5 ASHLEY COLE

Why? He’s a big knob. And I’m not referring to his appendage. Okay, I know this isn’t a rational reason for England not winning the world cup, but does he irritate anyone else out there? He’s infantile, arrogant, petulant and, and, a knob!

Reason # 6 RANKING

England are ranked 8th in the world. We haven’t beaten any of the teams ranked above of us. In fact, we were beaten by Brazil, Spain, France and scraped a draw against Holland.

We were beaten by the Ukraine (ranked 23rd). In our group, USA are ranked 14th and beat Spain recently. Slovenia (ranked 25th) and Algeria ranked 3oth. I do expect us to qualify from the group, but the fact is, we actually haven’t beaten anyone that’s any good.

For what it’s worth, this would be my England selection from what we have available. I do hope we do well, I’m just not expecting it, like so many of our media pundits. Unfortunately, the only thing ‘coming home’ will be England.

And what’s this got to do with advertising? Nothing. It’s the world cup. And that’s much more important than advertising.

C’mon En-ger-land!

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